It is a story that happens all across North America.  Older children come home for the holidays, anticipating a blissful time with their families. We look forward to getting together with our siblings whom we haven’t seen in ages and to spend time together in a picture perfect snapshot of the ideal family. Aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, the whole gang is there.

We imagine bonding, and great conversation. We imagine bonding, and great conversation. We imagine great meals and long walks. In reality, people come home, see their brothers and sisters, and find out that nobody has changed. Your brother is still annoying, your sister is still a whiner ,and your parents are still totally incapable of stopping whomever it is that always makes you sick. Welcome to the Unhappy Holidays.

Humans have an amazing capacity to forget pain. That is why we are able to have more than one child. When we leave the family nest, for some weird reason, we wipe out all of the pain and suffering and convince ourselves that now that we all are living our own lives, we can’t possibly fall back into our old patterns of behavior.

We come home for the holidays and imagine that the time that we spend together will be this idyllic scene of family perfection. I think that this may be the true definition of insanity because people don’t change. When you stick the same bunch of people back into the same old place, how can you expect anything other than the same old way of being together? That means that the bully will always be the bully, the tease will always be the tease, the misery will always be the misery, and the goody- goody will always make everyone nauseous. I am sure that your family has it’s own particular cast of characters-but you get the picture.

Managing Expectations

From now on, whether it be Rosh Hashana, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's or Easter, what I advise you to do is manage your expectations. Instead of going home and expecting perfection, try going home and expecting everyone to be just like they always were. That way, if for some reason everyone is miraculously on their best behavior, it will be a pleasant surprise. If everyone is at their worst, you have prepared in advance.

Take a couple of minutes to go through the possible scenarios in your mind. For example, if your big brother usually drives you crazy, imagine how you would like to react to him in a more positive way. If your sister is a negative black hole of doom, prepare for ways to avoid long drawn out conversations with her. Sometimes preparing for the interactions that you usually have with your loved ones can make you more aware, and help you to adjust your behavior in a way that gets the people around you to react differently to you.

Family holidays can be manageable as long as you take the time to manage them. This year, don’t set yourself up for failure. Have a realistic view of your time together. And who knows? You just might be pleasantly surprised.